Having completed a website update last week, only to have it disappear into cyberspace, gave me a small case of “writer’s block!”  But today, with a tranquil snowscape outside my window forming the perfect backdrop for reflection, I am drawn once again to look back on our first year without Yang.

It is hard to believe that one year has gone by since Yang’s passing on October 15^th of 2010.   The start of our journey through grief was marked by times of looking backwards, in order to “look forward.”   Holding tightly to our experience of God’s sustaining and leading us through Yang’s 2 ½-year cancer battle gave us the “fuel” to move forward into yet another season of uncharted waters, that of bereavement, widowhood, and single-parenting.  

When I voiced my fears of facing the “unknowns,” my best friend advised me to “keep relating to God exactly as we did during the cancer journey – ask Him to lead me; trust Him to lead me; wait on Him to lead me. “  After all, before Yang’s diagnosis, we had never faced cancer before.   It was in this spirit that I began this new chapter, not knowing what to expect, but with a sense that this will be a journey “taken alone, and yet not alone.”

 Now a year later, I can truly attest to God’s constancy.  As I asked Him to lead us through all the adjustments and emotions of our loss, He provided us with all that we need for the journey.  Ever covering us is the same Peace that shielded our souls before;  even in the midst of devastating emotions there is sense of security and reassurance.  I am also convinced that God will give this same “grace” to anyone who surrenders to His plans for his/her life.   As we passed various milestones this year, I wrote to open a window into our experience.   Thus I think it’s appropriate that I conclude my writings on this website by sharing with you how our little family spent the day on October 15^th this year.

The first anniversary of Yang’s departure falling on a Saturday gave our little family the gift of unhurried time for meaningful reflections.  We started our day visiting the cemetery.  When I told Nikki that we were going to pick up some flowers to bring to the gravesite, she said, "Again??  Why can't we get some balloons instead?  We are sort of celebrating daddy's birthday -- he is not sick any more and this is the first anniversary of his stepping into heaven!"   Out of the mouth of a child, God imparts His perspective, and with it  His soul-reaching comfort.

 After visiting the gravesite, we decided to go to one of our favorite fall hikes in the back roads.  It is a "hidden spot" Yang and I discovered a few months before his diagnosis -- a beautiful area of meandering streams, small water falls and fallen logs, skirted by a slightly rugged terrain -- we used our photos from that first hike for this website and for subsequent RMIE training course brochures.  The kids and I brought along all of Yang's favorite snacks:  dried mangoes, chocolate mints, Chinese teriyaki pork jerky, and we took new photos:  to have a look, please go to:   

 https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2241719481362.2116096.1199327760&type=1&l=aeafe93cbd

 When we arrived home, I brought the kids a really yummy lemon cake, a favorite dessert that Yang used to bring me from his dinner meetings :)  With it, I presented each of them with a bound copy of Yang's on-line journal written throughout his cancer journey, minus a few sensitive entries, of course...  It is my hope that not only will Yang's insights and comments about each child be a treasured keepsake, but the way he faced cancer leaning on God will inspire them in years to come.

Now that our first year has drawn to a close, I want to especially thank those who have checked on us and followed our journey through this website, to family and friends who supported us with visits, emails/notes and prayers, to Yang’s colleagues who came alongside me when I attended official events on Yang’s behalf.   Above all, I offer my greatest gratitude to the One who has remained our Constant in life’s ever-shifting circumstances, the Lord Jesus Christ who continues to be our staunchest support.

 Though this is my final family update, I intend to keep this website open to encourage those who are walking through the cancer experience.  Please feel free to communicate with me through the Guest Book as I will be checking it periodically.

 Gratefully,

Alice Chen

 Dear friends,

This is a year of many 'firsts' for us.  For those of you checking in on our first Father's Day without Yang, thank you for your love and concern.

Early in our cancer journey, Yang and I reflected on the question most frequently asked when one is faced with devastating news or health scares.  "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  We have since realized that a more important question to ask ourselves is " Who will walk with us when bad things happen?"    The longer we live and the more experiences we have under our belt, we see that none of us are spared from troubles in this life.    Perhaps I should not be surprised that Father's Day, out of all the "firsts" we've experienced this year,  would impact me more deeply than any other holidays.  It holds a double-whammy for a mother to anticipate the sense of loss her children will feel on a holiday set aside especially to honor dads.

Yet this double-whammy served to refocus me once again on that crucial question:  "Who will walk with me through this leg of our journey?"   In the space of 8 months, I've experienced what it feels like to be widowed, to be "single," and to take on the challenges of single-parenting.  On one hand, it has given me deep empathy for those who are also traveling these paths.   On the other hand, I am most grateful to discover that taking these paths will not devastate my soul as long as I am willing to travel them with God as my Companion and my Lord (my "Boss," in other words).   God has not failed to comfort us on this Father's Day. 

How we spent this Father's Day may become quite a tradition for our little family.  Here's a quick look at our day... We went to church very early in the morning, followed by a brunch at one of our favorite breakfast hangout's, "the Egg and I," bringing with us poignant memories of hours spent there with Yang.  We then went to the Whole Foods Market (!) across the street, each of us picking out a different colored mini-roses and creating four combined mini-bouquets for our visit to Yang's grave site.  We had ample opportunities to reflect on and honor this wonderful man whom we had the privilege of calling "dad" and "husband."  We experienced joy in the midst of shed tears, and an overarching sense of God's promises over us -- of He who calls Himself  a "Father to the fatherless, and a Defender of widows."  (Psalms 68:5 and Psalm 146:9, among the many scriptures we are grateful to recall)

On a related note,  a huge "present" to our family is a lately discovered on-line journal that Yang kept throughout his cancer journey.   It is a treasure trove of his reflections about our children and the life priorities uppermost in his mind.   Amazingly, there were no shadows of complaints throughout his 125+ pages of journal.  Two particular entries, written 2 and 9 months after his cancer diagnosis, offered a glimpse into the heart of this remarkable man.  I want to share these with you in honor of  Yang's memories, and of  the One who has walked so faithfully with us in life's many seasons.

APRIL 17, 2008

 It is hard to imagine that more than 2 months has passed since I found out that I had cancer!  I am so very thankful that during this period of time the Lord has continued to sustain me and every member of my family through this journey. I continue to be amazed at how God is strengthening me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I have not experienced a single day of fear, hopelessness, or discouragement. In fact, I sense that my faith has grown in the process.

As I reflect on this miracle the verse that came to mind was Hab. 3:19: “The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hind’s feet, and makes me walk on my high places.” God can and does enable us to live on the spiritual high ground as we walk with Him by faith! It has nothing to do with how strong Yang Chen is, and everything to do with God’s grace and His enabling power. 

November 12, 2008

This morning I was reflecting on my emotions. During the past 9 months of illness many people have asked me how I am feeling – the unspoken concern behind the inquiry is how I am coping emotionally – am I fearful, discouraged, anxious or worried, bitter, frightened, tense?

But the reality is that the predominant emotion through it all has been one of gratitude – to God most of all and then to my family and brothers and sisters in Christ, and also my professional friends at work and around the world.

I am thankful that nothing can separate me from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39). I am thankful that although cancer is a deep pit, the love of God is deeper still. I am grateful that I belong to Him and my eternal destiny is secure no matter what happens with my cancer. I am thankful that whether I live or die is up to Him and not the doctors – and my life could not be in better hands. I am grateful that God is sufficient for every situation that I may encounter now and in the future. I am grateful that I was able to experience first hand His peace that surpasses all comprehension. I am grateful that I am able to plan ahead for the possibility of death because of my cancer, whereas many people die suddenly without warning. I am grateful that all my 3 children know the Lord and if I die our Heavenly Father will take care of them and I will see them all again some day.

I am grateful for the meticulous way that God has cared for me and my family during my illness – the many evidences of his Providence, often through His children.

I am grateful for today. By all accounts for someone with Stage IVV lung cancer at the time of diagnosis I could have died within 4-6 months, or at least be in the terminal stages of life. Yet here I am this morning recovering uneventfully from splenectomy and actually feeling good physically.

Every day that I am still alive is a gift from Him and I have a desire to live even more intentionally for Him.

May that same gratitude and purpose permeate all our days.

With heart-felt thanks,

Alice

A special thanks to those of you who have been checking in on us through this blog, especially during this Easter season.  I want to take a few minutes to reassure you that we are doing fine, though I have not updated this blog since Christmas (!)

As you may suspect, it has taken quite a chunk of energy out of me to adjust to life without Yang.  Being one of the most capable, responsible, and loving husband/father there is, Yang has left some very "big shoes" for me to fill in this home.  At the same time, I am grateful for the wonderful tracks he left for us to run on, ones that were established and "proven" in our cancer journey.  The way this doctor journeyed with cancer is helping his widow and children journey on with God in this new season, and this has made all the difference in the world.

Of all the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter hold the most significance for our family.  This year being our first of spending each of these holidays without Yang brings us to a more poignant time of reflection.  I am grateful (and amazed, as this is such a new experience for me) to discover that God walks as closely by our side now, as He did in our cancer season.  For any of you reading this who have yet to establish a personal relationship with God,  I would urge you to do this without delay! (see tab above, "Knowing God")   

Knowing God personally didn't spare me from life's storms and its many valleys, nor the pain and sadness involved in traveling through such times.  But what a difference it makes to have Someone who loves me to walk alongside me, comforting and providing for my needs and those of my children, and in ways that just "hit the spot" because He knows exactly what we need to hear or experience or understand.  Let me share a few snapshots of what life has looked like for us these last few months.

As I have been busy settling Yang's affairs and attending various functions in his honor, I did not have much energy to initiate get-togethers with people.  Yet whenever I have needed a "booster shot," not realizing I was spreading myself a bit thin, a friend would inveritably call or out-of-town families would arrange a visit, helping around the house or simply being a loving presence in our home.  A very grateful thank-you to those of you who have reached out to us in various ways -- you can not know what it means for me to continue to receive your emails and guest book entries during this time, even when I am a little slow in responding at times.

On a more personal level, I have had to learn to deal with many new responsibilities very quickly.  As with our cancer journey when we had to travel through "uncharted waters,"  feeling so out of my depth "forces" me to turn to God for His leading and reassurance.  In being thus "forced,"   I've gained some of my most significant personal experience with God to date...  Every time I've turned to Him rather than struggle on in my own energy, He's met me at every juncture to soothe the "waves" of my anxieties with incomprehensible peace and provided for me in a myriad of ways.

With my children, it's been an interesting time of adjustment.  As mentioned in my previous update, we purchased two Rag-doll kitties.  Unfortunately we had to return one kitten for juvenile cataracts (who knew there were animal ophthalmologists?!).  Sydney, the remaining kitten, has adjusted to our household wonderfully, and has provided hours of relaxing play for the kids.  Of course there were many tearful moments of missing daddy, but I've also discovered the amazing ways that each child is comforted by God, each at their level and according to their personalities.  As there is a 5-year gap between each child, with my oldest a freshman at college, each of their felt needs is very different. 

My oldest have developed a heightened sense of responsibility and looks out for his younger siblings in very touching ways.  He comes home every weekend to spend time with Caleb and Nikki, bringing them goodies with his "munch-money" from college.  He is also learning to cling to God more tightly than ever before, and reflects on many treasured memories of his father's example.  Caleb is my quieter one, just like Yang in personality.  He likes hanging out with his brother on the weekends, not feeling the need to say a whole lot but simply enjoying his company.  

Nikki is my most verbal one, often processes out loud her love for her father, using word-pictures to describe what she's understanding in this grieving process.  Through our conversations, I am constantly amazed by the imageries that I believe God puts in her mind's eyes, during this very vulnerable season of her life, to soothe her soul.  One instance stands out particularly in my mind.  Yesterday when Nikki was expressing her grief and her desire to see daddy again,  I reminded her that daddy has finished "his race," his journey here with us, and is waiting for us in heaven.  She suddenly lit up and said to me, "Mom,  I have a picture in my mind, an analogy(!)...  daddy is waiting for us in the "winner's circle!"  He wants us to run our race here in such a way as to join him in that winner's circle and to receive our trophies together one day."

Yes, each of us who remains here have "a race" to run, if you will.  And this Easter my prayer for our family, and for those who reads this blog, is that our Race will be one of significance and purpose, led by the One who loves us best... not a "Rat's Race," led by a "spinning of the wheel" of mere human understanding.  

In this journey we're undertaking, I am infinitely comforted by this thought:  "He who offers us the gift of eternity, also promises to lead and provide for us while we journey here."   

A very meaningful Easter to all of you,

Alice

I want to thank everyone who has been checking in on us today.  We really appreciate your concern toward our family.

We spent this past week in the mountains, giving the kids a chance to relax in that beautiful environment and to catch some fine skiing.  This was Nikki's first experience with skiing and she took to the sport very well.  Though the weather forecast predicted heavy snow, we ended up enjoying sunshine along with the 'powder.' 

Upon our return to Denver on Christmas eve, we headed off to pick up two Ragdoll-breed kittens for Caleb and Nikki, little companions to help ease their first Christmas without daddy.  The two kittens are extremely mellow, with very distinctive personalities, and have kept the kids entertained throughout the day.

For those who share our faith, I'd like to encourage you with the way God comforted our hearts today, this being our first Christmas after Yang's departure:

During the time I spent reading the bible this morning, I gained some insights which I then shared with the kids during breakfast.   This Christmas the words from John 1 take on a more significant meaning for us:  "The Word became flesh, and lived among us."   For the first time it occurred to me that Jesus, by coming to us in human form, has experienced all that we are experiencing.  He, like us, formed emotional ties and at times keenly felt the loss of such relationships as well.  A most poignant example of this is the fact that He lost his earthly father Joseph before the years of his public ministry.   It is no wonder that Hebrews 4:15-16 tells us that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  

That Jesus have experienced the grief associated with the loss of a loved one, in the midst of a myriad of other experiences we go through in this life, means that He can completely relate to how we feel.   By this token He invites us to approach Him with our experiences and feelings, so that we can receive mercy and grace to help us walk through them with great purpose and dignity.  I saw Yang go through his cancer journey with this purpose and dignity, and I am comforted that this same God who walked with us through our previous season, is right alongside us in this new chapter of our family.  Indeed, His Name "Emmanuel" -- God With Us -- is our living reality as we go through this first Christmas apart from Yang.   May this encourage all of us to continue on with great hope and expectation for the new year.

With much gratitude,

Alice

 11/24/2010

It's been a little over a month since Yang's Home-going.   On this eve of Thanksgiving Day,  which also coincides with our 20th anniversary this year,  it seems especially appropriate to spend a few moments reflecting on God's faithfulness to our family, especially over these last 2 and 1/2 years of cancer journey, and now a little ways into this new season of our lives.

We are grateful for the Peace of God that shielded us through this life's darkest storm, and for His comfort that now hovers over us as we bring our waves of sorrow to Him.  Many of you have expressed your love and support through cards, emails, and this website's Guest Book.  We are so grateful for your quiet consideration of us during this time.  At the same time, some of you have mentioned that  though you want to find out how we are doing, you are hesitant to intrude.

Shortly after Yang's passing, it occurred to me that perhaps I should share my own journey through widowhood with those who find themselves on the same path following the loss of a loved one.  At the time, I had no idea what to expect of such a journey, never having experienced such a loss before.  I only vaguely knew, from our experience of walking through cancer with God, that it will be an extraordinary journey, one "taken alone, and yet not alone."  So it was with some trepidation, coupled with expectation, that we journeyed on together as a family.

This Update is my first attempt to share with you that the God who walked with us through the cancer journey is faithfully walking us through this new season in our lives.  As Yang set up this website to provide encouragement and updates to family, friends, his staff, and those who are on a similar journey,  I would like to do similarly for those who are concerned about what's happening in our lives now.  It is my desire to share more detailed reflections from our new journey through a blog that I plan to set up after the start of 2011.    The link to that blog will be posted under this Update tab.

In a short span of one month thus far, we have experienced God's provision in such a variety of ways.   During some moments of intense grief, He put it on the hearts of certain individuals to pray for us, at times through the night.  And He answered those prayers by giving me insights and perspective, which as my 8 year-old strives to explain, are 'treasures' He used to wipe away those moments of sadness.  At other times he simply gave me energy to handle the myriad of details following Yang's departure, and provided timely support and practical help through family and friends.  I'm utterly grateful to my extended family who gave of their time and energy to help us transition into a measure of normalcy.

In addition, I'm thankful to those of you who remind me of the Legacy that Yang left behind.  Many of you who worked with Yang at the University of CO Health Science Center have taken the time to send me emails from your colleagues expressing their thoughts and remembrance of Yang.  With this upcoming February marking the 3-year anniversary of Yang's cancer diagnosis, discovered the week before the division's Rocky Mountain Interventional Endoscopy Course in 2008, I am very touched by his staff's intention to commemorate Yang's contribution to the division.  

Yang's colleagues shared with him about a month before his passing that they had nominated him for the Distinguished Endoscopic Research Mentoring Award and the Distinguished Educator Award that are given out at ASGE Annual National Meetings.  This morning, in what I perceive as God's grace extended to me on our 20th anniversary, the president of ASGE called to inform me that Yang will be awarded the Distinguished Mentoring Award, to be given posthumously at the Crystal Awards Ceremony in May 2011.   Much more than recognition, this award has special significance because it reflects the core of Yang's life-work, that of intensely caring about those under his professional guidance.

So now that the hour has transitioned into Thanksgiving Day,  I know that we have much to be grateful for, the gift of years spent with this remarkable man who loved his family and colleagues so well, and our Lord Jesus who leads and sustains us through every seasons of life. 

In His care,

Alice

The Time/Location for  Yang's  Redlands Memorial Service:

Date:  Saturday,   11/13/2010

Time:  3pm

Location:   River Christian Reformed Church

Address:  459 E. Highland Ave.,  Redlands, CA  92373

Church phone #:  909-798-2221

 Our heartfelt thanks to all who attended the memorial service yesterday, and to all who sent in notes and prayed for us from afar.  The memorial service is a special memory to add to our treasure trove of Yang, a wonderful godly husband/father  who will be sorely missed. 

Many of you have expressed hopes that this website will remain open as a resource for cancer patients and their families.  We are grateful that it has been a source of encouragement, and intend to maintain this website in honor of Yang, and of those who must travel this path.

As this journey is not concluded for those must remain here, I will be sharing my own reflections from time to time... now as a widow who intends to continue her own journey with God.  As Yang, the children and I have seen during these past 2 and 1/2 years of cancer journey, there are many treasures to be gained which transcend our losses.  In this sense, we look forward to what God has in store for those who walk through a new season of life alone, and yet not alone.  May this website become an oasis for those impacted by cancer.

 A grateful "thank you" to many who have expressed your love and support from afar.  

Please note that 2 other memorial services will be held after this initial one in Denver.  The locations of these memorial services will be in Redlands, CA and in the Philippines.  Information will be posted on this website when the time/dates become finalized.

For those of you who've asked,  in lieu of flowers, memorials can be sent to any of the following organizations.  Put on the memo line:  In memory of Dr. Yang Chen.

Medical Strategic Network

P.O. Box 2052

Redlands, CA 92373

Galilee South Community Church

6114 S. Datura St.

Littleton, CO 80120

Put on the memo line, in memory of Dr. Yang Chen, Building Fund

Campus Crusade for Christ

Attn: Contributions

P.O.Box 628222

Orlando, FL 32862-8222

10/18/2010

Dear family and friends,

Thank you to all of you who have expressed your love and support to us, both during Yang's cancer journey and now in this season of our new journey together as a family.

You have been part of God's gracious gift to us, a tapestry of grace and peace with which He covers us, as we traveled this road of uncharted territory.  I echo with our dear friend, Dr. Nick, who quoted from Romans 8,  " ... neither death or life... neither the present or the future... will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."    I believe this experience is the birthright of every child of God who is willing to entrust his/her life to his/her Heavenly Father .  That has been our experience, and continues to be our experience during this time of grief.   

Please join us to celebrate God's goodness in Yang's life:

Visitations

Place:  Horan & McConaty  5303 East County Line Rd., Centennial, CO 80122;  303-221-0030

Time:  Friday, 10/22/2010,  5 - 8 pm.

Directions from the DTC area:  I 25 S. to C470 West;  Exit on Quebec St.; turn right and then immediate left onto County Line Road; Continue on County Line Rd. until you cross Holly;  Take the first right (into the back entrance of the small shopping complex on the corner of County Line/Holly);  Horan & McConaty is the (unmarked) beige building on the far lefthand-side.

Memorial Service

Place:  Cherry Creek Presbyterian Church  10150 E. Belleview Ave., Englewood, CO 80111; 303-779-9909

Time:  Saturday, 10/23/2010, 10:00 am

Service to be followed by a light lunch reception.